Flash and Batman, a wacky tale
by mad100141
Summary: A random story generator I found developed this insanity. In it Batman and Flash fight over Sex, Batman loves Flash but never tells him, evil marmots attack our heroes and there is no happily ever after.


It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Flash, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling really worried, Flash deflowered a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved Sex was missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Batman. Flash had known Batman for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Batman was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... annoying. Flash called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Batman picked up to a very unctuous Flash. Batman calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras cringe before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually explosively panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Flash. Why was Batman trying to distract Flash? Because he had snuck out from Flash's with the Sex only eight days prior. It was a electric little Sex... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Flash got back to the subject at hand: his Sex. Batman turned red. Relunctantly, Batman invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Sex. Flash grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Batman realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Sex and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Flash took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least eight minutes before Flash would get there. But if he took the Mobile? Then Batman would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Batman was interrupted by seven clueless marmots that were lured by his Sex. Batman shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he fearlessly reached for his wolverine and skillfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Mobile rolling up. It was Flash.

-o0o-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Flash was out of the Mobile and went charismatically jaunting toward Batman's front door. Meanwhile inside, Batman was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Sex into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Batman was puzzled but at least the Sex was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Batman flamboyantly purred. With a calculated push, Flash opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive self-righteous ass in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Batman assured him. Flash took a seat ridiculously close to where Batman had hidden the Sex. Batman turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Flash was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Batman noticed a clueless look on Flash's face. Flash slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Batman felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Flash asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Sex right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Flash's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Flash nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Batman could react, Flash aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Sex was plainly in view.

Flash stared at Batman for what what must've been ten hours. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Batman groped surreptitiously in Flash's direction, clearly desperate. Flash grabbed the Sex and bolted for the door. It was locked. Batman let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Flash,' he rebuked. Batman always had been a little stupid, so Flash knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Batman did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his Sex tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Batman looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Flash. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Flash. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Batman walked over to the window and looked down. Flash was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, Flash was struggling to make his way through the fantastic pumpkin patch behind Batman's place. Flash had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Sex. One by one they latched on to Flash. Already weakened from his injury, Flash yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his Sex.

About seven hours later, Flash awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Flash did not know where he was. Deep in the humid magical cornfield, Flash was very lost. Giggling like schoolgirl, he remembered that his Sex was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge marmot emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha marmot. Flash opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into Flash's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Flash's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than seven miles away, Batman was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Sex. 'MY PRECIOUS!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Flash... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Sex that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0  
>*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright 2004-present<br>*** Forever pwning with earnest.

This story was created with a random story generator I found online. More whacky stories await if you do not fear to google 'story generator'.


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